Meditation now plays a role in Chelsey's daily life as well, grounding her and giving her access to her inner self. Three years ago, Chelsey and her husband were preparing for the birth of their twin sons when their doctor gave them the heartbreaking news that the second twin no longer had a heartbeat. The first twin, Max, was born healthy and strong, but Spirit B, his brother, did not survive. After 24 hours with both beautiful babies, Chelsey and Jason faced the agonizing trauma of releasing their little boy into the spirit world. 

Chelsey says that her athletics and passion for outdoor exploration have been critical to helping her mourn. "Meditation and getting outside are my primary pillars in getting through my grief," she says. "I meditate every morning and speak to Spirit B." Sometimes Chelsey will see a hawk or a butterfly when she's communicating with her son, and this brings her peace. "When I heard stories like that from others who had lost loved ones, I thought it was grasping for signs," she says. "But now I realize that it's my story. Everyone has their own experiences and things they find healing. This is my story."

The sad irony, says Chelsey, is that during her pregnancy, she and Jason talked a lot about how they were going to handle life with twins. "Everyone told us it was going to be living hell for the first 3 years, dealing with 2 babies," she says. "So we talked extensively about how we were still going to support each other in following our passions." Although the birth of their boys and the death of Spirit B was unimaginably different than what Jason and Chelsey had planned, these talks about their values served them well in coping with their grief. "We knew we needed to get back outside," Chelsey says. "We needed to get back into the things that brought us joy, even in this time of sorrow."

Chelsey has found double solace in the outdoors, as it has become the place she feels most connected to Spirit B, who often comes to her during a tough workout or adventure race. "I speak to Spirit B when I'm outside," she says. 

Chelsey and Jason talk openly to Max about Spirit B as well. Every morning and evening they take Max outside and they all look up at the sky. "Good morning Spirit B," they say. "Goodnight Spirit B, we love you." Max shoots up his little hand and waves toward the sky, toward the brother whose body wrapped around his own for 9 months in the womb. 

Moments like this are painful, but also beautiful. That's what this journey of grief is like, says Chelsey. "We have the darkness with the light. We have to try to walk this beautiful path."

Parenting

These days, the beautiful path for Chelsey and Jason includes outdoor expeditions and day trips with 3-year-old Max and 7-month-old Revel. During both of her pregnancies, Chelsey says, friends warned them that parenthood would be the end of life as they knew it, a curtailing of the adventures that feed their souls. “I never believed that was our path,” says Chelsey, “I didn’t think the next phase needed to be all about a regular schedule and a slowing down.” Like other parents, Jason and Chelsey want to do what’s best for their kids. “And what’s best for our kids is that we are showing them who we are and how we make ourselves happy. This lifestyle makes us happy, and by showing our kids who we are at our cores, we are giving them tools and permission to choose their own paths and follow their own happiness. We’re making them more resilient.” As elite adventure racers, Jason and Chelsey are well-aware of the importance of resiliency. Having selected two of the most difficult activities on the planet—parenthood and adventure racing—as their passions, Jason and Chelsey find that both can be approached with similar strategies. “How we are raising our kids and how we strategize for adventure races are very much the same. We have to work together as a team. We have to show respect for our partner, we have to communicate through really difficult times,” she says. “Trust is essential.”

Like adventure racing, parenthood “brings out roadblocks in relationships,” says Chelsey. “You’re sleep deprived, you’re hungry, you’re never alone, and you don’t have the time or energy to filter your communication. You just have to drop the ego and work it out.” Her background in adventure racing also gives Chelsey empathy for her children. “On an adventure race when you’re hungry and tired, you basically are a 3-year-old trying not to melt down. Emotions are high.” Chelsey reminds herself of this constantly, making sure she notices when it’s time to say to Max and Revel, “Let’s chill out and have some food and water.” Before she had kids, Chelsey says she wasn’t sure she wanted to. “But adventure racing helped me see I could handle hard things.”

The Last Wild Race

Thanks to a recent documentary about Chelsey, Bend Racing, and the Patagonia Expedition Race, audiences can now see Chelsey handling hard things: getting blown off her feet on windswept summits, post-holing down snowy slopes, slogging through swamps, yes, but also the harder stuff; chiefly, dealing with her grief about Spirit B. Sponsored by Bronwen Jewelry, Gear Junkie, and others, “With Spirit” is a film created by adventure and brand filmmaker Scott Almendinger McGrath.

Beautifully filmed and emotionally raw, “With Spirit” follows Chelsey’s journey not just through the brutally gorgeous Patagonian wilderness, but also through her ongoing grief process. It wasn’t Chelsey’s first time being filmed in an adventure race, but it was the first time a videographer had accompanied the team on its entire trek. “When Scott first came to me with his idea,” says Chelsey, “I was both honored and scared shitless.  I knew that the more vulnerable and real I could be, the more it would heal both myself and hopefully many others who connected with my story. Recounting my story on camera almost three years after the loss of Spirit B was both cathartic and beautiful. It felt amazing and like the correct thing to honor him and our journey through grief by sharing my story.” Chelsey calls the Patagonia Expedition Race "my soul race," noting, "I really peel back the onion layers on that one."  The filmmaker, Scott, was there all the time, she continues, “so he captured us at our best and our worst. We think that by showing who we really are at all times, it helps us connect to people and helps people connect to us.”

Chelsey’s emotional vulnerability is a connection point as well. She speaks openly and joyfully about Spirit B, who has become “an over-arching guardian” for the family. “He comes to me frequently,” Chelsey says. “And it was Spirit B who told me that I was pregnant with Revel, in the form of a rainbow. I told Jason and he said ‘There’s no way.’ I had plenty of energy and felt great, so I didn’t know it at the time and it was way too early for a test, but in the end Spirit B was right.”